I know, i’m only 22. Who am i to know what it means to get old, right? But i can’t help feeling old and afraid when i…
…listen to the washing machine perform its usual final rinse. It’s not gonna sound the same in my Korean apartment.
…gather things to pack, growing wearier and hating myself for being so picky and demanding and attached to familiar objects. Why can’t i just up and leave with a couple of books and a few changes of clothes? Why do i need all this other shit to be content?
…catch my dad smiling at me and suddenly remember all the times i was a bad daughter. I don’t like feigning indifference when i’m on the phone with my parents, only to cry my eyes out afterward, because i really miss them.
It’s getting down to the wire now. I had to move my flight up by 5 days cos my wisdom teeth decided to grow in rather painfully without warning. And i’m having all sorts of doubts… Now that the departure date is quickly approaching (in two days, to be exact), i can’t bear to leave. I think i’ll miss everything too much, and i’m not sure if this move is worth the distress. Do i really need to do this? This isn’t the only way i can have some time and space to myself. I could have just as easily attained that by getting a job somewhere away from here—just not so drastically far away and different. But i couldn’t make that kind of commitment—the decision to enter the full-time workforce and head down a career path was too daunting—so i wanted time off. Am i taking the easy way out? Instead of the time of self-discovery that i romantically imagine it to be, will this just be another stressful job in a place where i can’t be happy? I don’t think i could handle another Paris…
I don’t wanna be the kind of person who questions her decisions. I don’t regret a single thing i’ve done or haven’t done in the past 22 years, so why start regretting anything now? I know, it’s not a matter of regret, but of letting go. Still, i can’t admit to myself that i can’t let go, so instead, i start doubting my decisions and look for better alternatives i might have overlooked (but were never there to begin with). It’s just that i know how difficult the new can be, so i can’t bring myself to leave behind the familiar. Maybe these thoughts are just a side effect of having everything even more rushed than before—and unexpectedly so—but they’re so strong that they’re hard to ignore.
I wish i could be happy to leave.