I think the happiest i was between elementary school and college was in 9th grade, when for the first time, i had a close-knit group of friends. Before then, i had gone from best friend to best friend, once valued friendships dissolving for no particular reason, but in 9th grade, three of my friends and i had the time of our lives in Bio and Phys Ed together. Actually, i don’t know if they enjoyed it as much as i did, but those two consecutive class periods were some of the best times i ever had. We each had our own friends too, and we were never a foursome—the kind of group where if one member was missing, an outsider would wonder why. Instead, we were simply four girls enjoying school, without any obligations toward each other, but still valuing our time together. I wish i still had that, but there’s nothing i can do about the different paths that all the people who enter my life take.
I guess i’m writing about friendship because it’s an area of my life in which i fail so miserably. I don’t know what happened as i grew up, but with each year, it gets increasingly difficult for me to make friends and keep them. Does this happen to everyone? I wouldn’t know, cos i don’t have any friends to talk to about this. Okay, so that might not do justice to the few friends i still do keep in close contact with, but there’s something to be said for those rare but palpable quandaries when i find myself needing to talk to someone other than my parents, and i can’t help but ask myself, ‘Who is the most appropriate friend to talk to about this? Who is actually available? And who wouldn’t mind taking an hour out of their busy night to talk to me?’
Don’t get me wrong; i have great friends who care about me and whom i care about in return. And some of them would probably be offended if they knew such trains of thought run through my head when i need them. But there’s still a lot that i miss about my childhood friendships.