It’s always bothered me that i never miss my dead relatives. Not even my maternal grandfather who loved me dearly and played with me often when i was growing up. I never think about them, and when someone reminds me of them, i don’t get sad or reminiscent. I feel nothing. And then i feel bad that i’m completely unaffected when the person who brought up the dead relative gets sad.
When i heard that my maternal grandfather died, i only cried because i felt that i should. At the funeral, i felt more awkward than sad. What left the greatest impression on me that day was how the heavy rain and run off on the hills made the whole ceremony seem like a scene right out of a movie. Perhaps if other people were uncontrollably crying, i would have been sad out of empathy, but everyone, including my mother and grandmother, was fairly composed. I’m sure it would be a different story had it been my mom or dad that died, but it still disturbs me that i never even think about those loved ones that died. I can’t believe i’m saying this, but i don’t think i’d be crushed if my only living grandmother died tomorrow, and i’m very close with her. I love her, but i’m not afraid of losing her. And i’m not afraid of death. Is this normal, or am i cold and unfeeling?