I have a comfortable life here, but it feels unfulfilling in so many ways.
I like my job, but i wish i could be doing some real teaching, i.e. not EFL teaching (refer to this post for more on this).
I miss learning. A lot. Ever since coming here, i haven’t had any time to read intellectually stimulating material. I used to consume so much information back in the States; i’d read regularly and catalogue images. I miss that. I miss that so much. I miss having the time to look at interesting things online. I’m getting stupid! And i think it shows!
On the other hand, i’ve grown so attached to my apartment that i don’t think i could bear to leave it in August. I don’t know why i’m thinking so far ahead. I’m usually not like this; planning has never been a strong point or even an interest of mine. I think i’m afraid of going back to the States, even though i miss it a lot, because it would mean finding a new job and being closer to my family (because if i were to go back, i’d probably go back to NYC).
I’m not even sure if i wanna go to grad school for Philosophy anymore. I become more and more afraid everyday; i have so many doubts. ‘I’m not smart enough, i’m not hardworking enough, i’m not passionate enough…’
Maybe my life here is holding me back from doing what i really wanna do. I’m starting to think all of this was a bad idea. I think everything will be better if i go back to school, and the most cost effective way to do that would be to enroll at Yonsei, i think, but their application period isn’t until October. I don’t know how much longer i can do what i’m doing now without being disappointed with myself.