Tag Archives: life decisions

What to do from here?

I have a comfortable life here, but it feels unfulfilling in so many ways.

I like my job, but i wish i could be doing some real teaching, i.e. not EFL teaching (refer to this post for more on this).

I miss learning.  A lot.  Ever since coming here, i haven’t had any time to read intellectually stimulating material.  I used to consume so much information back in the States; i’d read regularly and catalogue images.  I miss that.  I miss that so much.  I miss having the time to look at interesting things online.  I’m getting stupid!  And i think it shows!

On the other hand, i’ve grown so attached to my apartment that i don’t think i could bear to leave it in August.  I don’t know why i’m thinking so far ahead.  I’m usually not like this; planning has never been a strong point or even an interest of mine.  I think i’m afraid of going back to the States, even though i miss it a lot, because it would mean finding a new job and being closer to my family (because if i were to go back, i’d probably go back to NYC).

I’m not even sure if i wanna go to grad school for Philosophy anymore.  I become more and more afraid everyday; i have so many doubts.  ‘I’m not smart enough, i’m not hardworking enough, i’m not passionate enough…’

Maybe my life here is holding me back from doing what i really wanna do.  I’m starting to think all of this was a bad idea.  I think everything will be better if i go back to school, and the most cost effective way to do that would be to enroll at Yonsei, i think, but their application period isn’t until October.  I don’t know how much longer i can do what i’m doing now without being disappointed with myself.

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Maybe this is what it means to get old

I know, i’m only 22.  Who am i to know what it means to get old, right?  But i can’t help feeling old and afraid when i…

…listen to the washing machine perform its usual final rinse.  It’s not gonna sound the same in my Korean apartment.

…gather things to pack, growing wearier and hating myself for being so picky and demanding and attached to familiar objects.  Why can’t i just up and leave with a couple of books and a few changes of clothes?  Why do i need all this other shit to be content?

…catch my dad smiling at me and suddenly remember all the times i was a bad daughter.  I don’t like feigning indifference when i’m on the phone with my parents, only to cry my eyes out afterward, because i really miss them.

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